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| Why's | If's | He Wonders |Real Stories of the Non-Technically Inclined|

WHY'S

 

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why don't most stores cache small Czechs?

Why do people who know the least, know it the loudest?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Why do we wait 'til a pig is dead before we "cure" it?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do we put suits in a garmet bag, and garments in a suitcase?

Why isn't catfood 'mouse-flavored'?

 

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IF'S

If your nose runs, and your feet smell, you're built backwards!!

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?

If a parsley farmer is sued, and loses the suit, can they 'garnish' his wages?

If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still WRONG?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, do the police consider it a 'hostage' situation?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a funeral procession was held at night, would you have to drive with your headlights OFF?

 

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HE WONDERS

Is it possible to be 'totally partial'?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Is it true cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

How do they get Teflon to stick to the inside of a pan?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"?

What's another word for synonym?

When signmakers go on strike, is there anything on their signs?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

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REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICALLY INCLINED

1.

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

2.

1st person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"|
2nd person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

3.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied,"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries ... it's a long walk."

4.

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready.'"
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

5.

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

6.

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper." she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

7.

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where is the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said,"You know, the one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"? and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

8.

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

9.

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

10.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

11.

I rented a movie from BlockBuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"

12.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the SelfHelp section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

13.


The following wisdom from the Federalist Brief is painfully close to the truth.

TRIBAL WISDOM AND GOVERNMENT POLICY


Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in government they often try
other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a bigger whip.

2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like 创This is the way we always have ridden this horse.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Pass legislation declaring that 创This horse is not dead.创
10. Blaming the horse磗 parents.
11 Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
12. Declaring that 创No horse is too dead to beat.创
13. Providing additional funding to increase the horse磗 performance.
14. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
15. Declare the horse is 创better, faster and cheaper创 dead.
16. Form a quality committee to find uses for dead horses.
17. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
18. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
19. Blame the horse farm on which it was born.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position
.

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